January 11th

Today Shane would have been 4.5. We never celebrate half-birthdays, but since he left us, it’s a mentally noted moment for us.
This time last year, I wasn’t feeling so great and what seemed like a repeat in time, I took a random test, just like I did in November 2012 and discovered I was pregnant. And like before, I was at a loss of words. I looked at the date and it all came together.
January 11, 2017….Shane’s half birthday.

I haven’t really spoken about my pregnancy with Will. In fact, I tried to hide it. Paul and I discussed it and I wanted to keep it to ourselves.
Something for us to hold onto, especially since we were fearful of the future.

We told very few people and not even a lot of people close to us.
When we found out the sex, it was still too early for me to want to reveal.
It was difficult to imagine welcoming another son after losing one. What if something happened to him? These thoughts plagued me my entire pregnancy and still do…we all have these thoughts, but from what I hear, it’s normal given our situation.
I agreed to allowing it to be announced publicly to our friends on Father’s Day. At that point, I was already 6 months pregnant. Of course, those of you in our daily lives knew. I mean, you could see the physical changes, but what I wanted to hide most was the emotional changes going on.

I apologize to any of you who were offended by my silence. It wasn’t intentional and it wasn’t because I wasn’t happy. I was scared. I still am.

Privately and more importantly, I was feeling incredibly blessed to have been given another chance.

A chance to experience:
-sleeplessness nights (yep! we are there after a blissful 3 months of 5 hour stretches)

-the coos, laughs and amazing conversations as your baby learns about his new world

-to give Chase and Ella a piece of healing and to experience being older siblings again

-for Paul to reenact his ability to be the supportive spouse and dad through all those beginning stages…He truly is an amazing father

-to see the look in your baby’s eyes when you come into a room

Honestly, the list could go on.
There are many emotions for a bereaved family welcoming new life.
We are forever grateful for our little miracle, Will. He amazes us and my children amaze me with their constant excitement and helpfulness. While Will may have looked like Chase, I can see a lot of Shane in him right now.

There are more things I could go into with welcoming a new life as a bereaved childhood cancer family, but I will save it for another day….

Will                                                                  Shane

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